Well, butter my biscuit and slap a mint leaf on it—it’s Kentucky Derby Day! That glorious time of year when we pretend to know things about horse racing, suddenly develop strong opinions about jockeys, and consider wearing a hat large enough to double as patio furniture.
Let’s be honest. Most of us don’t care which horse is the fastest. We just want an excuse to yell “GO, BABY, GO!” at a screen for 2 minutes and then return to sipping our suspiciously strong mint juleps like we’re southern royalty.
Here’s what happens every Derby Day, without fail:
• Someone (probably you) bets on a horse strictly because its name sounds cool, majestic, or slightly unhinged. “Emotional Support Peacock” sounds like a winner to me!
• A friend who’s never watched a race in their life suddenly transforms into Bob Baffert’s long-lost cousin and starts giving unsolicited commentary: “You can just see the stride on this colt. It’s all in the hock tension.”
• Your outfit goes from “brunch casual” to “Did Scarlett O’Hara just crash this BBQ?” in 3.2 seconds. And that hat? It’s not just a hat—it’s a conversation starter, a bird sanctuary, and possibly a small weather system.
Let’s not forget the traditions:
• Mint juleps that hit harder than a starting gate.
• Southern accents that get thicker with each drink.
• The ceremonial Googling of “how long is the Kentucky Derby race” because, somehow, we forget every year (It’s 2 minutes, Karen. Just two).
Pro Tip: If you don’t know which horse to cheer for, pick the one pooping at the starting gate. That’s just good strategy—he’s lightened the load!
So go on, pour yourself something with bourbon, put on that flamingo-print tie or that fascinator shaped like a flamingo, and cheer like the stakes are high—even if the only thing you’re betting is who’s going to knock over the cheese tray first.
Because win or lose, it’s not really about the race… it’s about the spectacle.
And possibly the snacks.
Happy Derby Day, y’all!
Until next time,
